When Emotional Intelligence Is Hard

Lately, life has been busy. You know…life of a family with little ones…full-time working Mom and more than full-time working Dad. Having fun and going swimming on weekends and some evenings. Enjoying the warm weather and trying to fit as much in as we can during the times we are together as a whole family.

A while ago I didn’t pass the English certification test that I needed to become a teacher. Time has gone by and I’ve found it very difficult to motivate myself again to study to re-take it. I knew if I just started studying, I would get in a groove again and be able to continue. But I kept putting it off! Then, I found time to study…but it was overwhelming. There is SO much to know for this test! Literature, 17 pages of TITLES of literature, mind you. Not only knowing the basic plot and summary of each piece of literature, but the history of what was going on in society at the time, who the author is and their background, parts of grammar/etc. It’s just…it’s a lot. So, I would study something, get overwhelmed and then not study again for some time.

I knew, eventually, that the real reasons behind me not studying would surface. Eventually the big reason did surface.

Doubt. Doubt in myself, my intelligence and my abilities.

Growing up throughout my life, as an outspoken, bubbly and flirtatious blonde, many blonde jokes were thrown my way that, subconsciously, I took on as part of my personality. Once, I even had a junior college professor call me “flighty” in a one-on-one meeting.

Years later, I gained a knowledge of my intelligence and overall smarts during college, in my final classes of my degree. I had professors, one in particular, that worked with me to help mold my thought processes while writing interpretive research papers on organizational communication issues and other topics. He helped me know that I was smart. I felt smart. I knew I was…for the first time in my life!

Fast forward to now. The idea of becoming an English teacher was exciting, and now that I’m facing trying to pass this test after failing it once already, my own self-consciousness is dragging me down. Can I do it? Do I have the strength?...the knowledge?...the fortitude needed to stay up late and grade English papers/write lesson plans and study the English language and literature that I ask my students to study?

With all of these feelings come suppressed emotions. Not purposefully suppressed…and that’s where emotional intelligence becomes difficult sometimes.

Life is busy…we don’t always have time to sit and ponder and gather our thoughts or assess our emotions! I haven’t had any time to do that…and in the back of my mind, I’ve been thinking about the situation and waiting for things to come to fruition.

Today they did, finally. Today I cried for a moment…not out of frustration or sadness, but out of happiness and relief at the words of my mother.

My mom and I email sometimes during the day when I’m at work. We generally email about our days or plans for the weekend – checking in/etc. Today, she asked me…How are YOU doing? That’s when I wrote this novel. The novel of my current mental hurdles, struggles and insecurities surrounding this English test and my abilities.

Her email back to me was perfect…a perfectly well-written ode to her daughter…a list of my qualities and strengths and abilities, yet also understanding perfectly my situation and her own struggles in the same way. She related and she praised.

Just a reminder to us all…a reminder that sometimes we don’t or can’t know our emotions at first. Life gets busy and we flow with it. The emotions will come. Embrace them, let them out, move on.

Don’t forget to reach out to those who “see” you so they can help guide you through your emotions, if needed. We can’t always do everything on our own!

Love yourself, believe in yourself and trust yourself. God loves you. He’ll help you.

Trust in the plan for you and know that whatever you choose…do it with an open and full heart. You WILL be blessed.

Love always,

Jamee