Marriage 101 - The Hard Knocks

Marriage isn’t easy! These are the hard knocks that I’ve come across, and the things I do to make everything easier.
I’ve decided to start blogging more regularly…whether for my own mental health or just to share any *pretend* wisdom I might have. Ha! I enjoy writing, so this is a wonderful outlet for me to practice my writing, think about writing a book (which I’ve always dreamed of doing), focus on emotional intelligence and seek to improve my own personal relationships as well.
So, I have been married to my husband for 4 years this month…(yay us!)…and it definitely hasn’t all been happiness and romantic gestures. He is a police officer and in the military and I work full-time as well. Life is good, busy, stressful and awesome. Mostly stressful and awesome…but also hard sometimes!
My husband and I both have very strong personalities…like…STRONG. We got in more than one *small* (Ok, sometimes huge) argument while we were dating, so I knew the relationship would always be a bit fiery….to say the least! We have had our fair share of blowup arguments, leaving the house, saying very mean things/etc. The things that come with living with someone who speaks their mind and wants to be heard. And we BOTH speak our minds...and want to be heard...no quiet ones in this relationship!
Here are a couple of things we/I have learned that have helped us improve the relationship and ourselves. 
1. Expectations - We have gone to marriage counseling/personal counseling/etc and the biggest thing I think that we have both learned (more from our own experiences than anything) is – no expectations. We are constantly reminding each other of this as well. We are at a better place than we used to be…of course it comes and goes, depending on stress levels/hangry-ness/sleep depravity…etc…LOL…you know! But seriously…expectations can ruin a marriage SO fast! If one of us is home for some reason – his work schedule or me with sick kids (or him!) – we never expect that person to have dinner made or a clean home when the other gets home. (Just one of the scenarios where we have no expectations.) It’s not fair and should never be expected. Having that in place makes it a treat if dinner IS made or they were able to clean a little! I believe the only realistic expectations we should ever have is that the other person will treat you with kindness and fairness. We should obviously expect the other person to not be abusive, emotionally or physically – those are a given.
2. Be free! - It's amazing how free I feel, as well, when I allow my husband to be his own person! When I was very newly married, I was having a hard time coming to terms with a decision that my husband chose. Nothing horrible, just…I liked being in charge! I remember thinking… “I can’t be responsible for his decisions. He is the only one who can be responsible for those. I refuse to be that kind of person or wife.” It was the most AMAZING and FREEING thought I’ve ever had in marriage! We are each our own person, and we allow the other to make their own choices. No controlling and no manipulating. I am free to love my husband for the man he chooses to be and become and I LOVE watching him grow and improve. It makes me so happy 😊 I also love seeing him be human and make mistakes sometimes, because I do that too!
Of course, there decisions that should naturally be made together – how to spend money/budgeting/large purchases, planning our schedule that involves the other person (I’m always working on this one!), how to discipline our children/etc – whatever you choose between the two of you. (These are personal things of course!)
In the difficulty that can be marriage sometimes – putting two very different people in a household to make decisions together – it’s so nice if we love each other for who we are and don’t put expectations on each other! We are allowed to freely love each other and the fights are significantly less frequent when we do these things. (Although...let's be honest...we still have our arguments!)
Let me know…what has worked for you in YOUR marriage?!


Love always,


Jamee

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